October 28th, 2009 Sightings of the King
I have a confession to make; I am co-dependent. I start going wonky if I don’t experience the nearness of my Lord. Tho I know He is with me always, I much prefer the times when I sense his closeness and hear his voice, or even catch a glimpse of him with the eyes of my heart. If these ways of knowing God go away for while, I begin to self-examine — what did I do, or not do, that caused the Lord to withdraw from me?
In faith I know the Lord and I are joined in our spirits forever, so when I use the word “withdraw” I do it in the context of intimate relationship. Even though my husband and I are together most of every day, on occasion he seems withdrawn from me, either because he is focused deeply on something else, or perhaps I have offended or neglected him. Withdrawal is a subtle signal in relationship to step closer to the beloved and discover what may be amiss in how we are loving.
I had not been consistently attentive to the Lord in recent weeks; maybe that was the problem. I also felt a nagging concern that perhaps I have become too familiar in my easy intimacy, neglecting to show God the reverence he is due. So, in a renewed effort to worship him appropriately, I had returned to a more formal prayer posture: kneeling in reverence, using my imagination to “see” my Lord on his throne, and worship him as the King and Sovereign Lord. However, my more formal prayers, confessions and blessings did not change the space between us. I said to myself, “God will not be manipulated, and in his sovereignty reserves the right to manifest his presence whenever and however he pleases;” but when this little self-lecture did nothing to soothe my raw neediness, I cried out, “Lord, please open my eyes to see you again!”
The next day, in worship at church, I suddenly saw him, unexpectedly, clearly; and when I saw him, I instantly understood the source of my blindness. For he was sitting on a low stool, in a humble house, surrounded by the hungry, the needy, the weak, the ignorant — he teaching, sharing his heart. He paused to look up at me across the room, and smiled an invitation to come near. I wept for joy, and my heart said, “of course.” I had been looking too high.
It is an old familiar, religious rut I fall into at times, especially after a spell of relative unfaithfulness, this trying to reconnect through the high worship of a low subject to a high sovereign. Appropriate as that may be, my Lord, the King of Graciousness has invited me to know him in my low estate, to draw near and be familiar, to know him.
Without question God is worthy of the highest reverence. As a worshipper who wants to be found true, I want to keep in full view the majesty AND the tender Fatherhood of God, the Lordship AND the Brotherhood of Jesus. I saw that I had only increased the perceived distance between us by looking for Christ on his throne rather than where he wanted to be found by me, the teacher close by. I remembered then also that I had felt him drawing me to read my Bible more and more, to meet with him there, but the spirit of religion had kept whispering in my ear, “That’s not enough.”
God has given himself to me — forever, still, continually. I have a fresh reminder that in seeking the Lord I must discover where he is, not go looking where I religiously assume he will be. Also, I must be faithful for the sake of loving Him well, not in order to manipulate him. He is a living person, not a deity I presume upon through religious ritual, obliged to bless me because I did the right stuff. He has invited me to something infinitely more precious and free and satisfying, yet available only when the heart is fully surrendered to letting God be God and receiving him as he chooses to come. This is how Supreme Lordship and Gracious Love get perfectly all sorted out for us.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:15 am
WOW — each one gets better and better — please keep them coming — whaat rich food
November 27th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Tonya thank you for sharing sighting of a king. I have desired to draw nearer to God thiking if I pray a certin way or worshiped him in just the right way maybe he would draw nearer to me, I only found my self being more frustrated you are so right it is not my terms but he is but he is with me.